Finding Joy In our Differences
Aghast. Dismayed. Incredulous. Emotions assail me. I have discovered ---through incontrovertible evidence --- that my husband is not who I thought he was. Oh yes, we’ve had many Venus vs. Mars moments over the years… but this. THIS! How can I have lived thirty-three years with someone and not known, not even suspected, that there were heathenish tendencies, Philistine-like attributes lurking right there underneath that suave demeanor and handsome façade?
A bit of background. You see, I’m a reader.* Like a real, hard-core, read- two –books- a -week kind of reader. The type of person that visits book shops in every city and who loads up her Kindle every week. No TV for me, thank you. My nose is in a book whenever there’s a moment to spare.
So, when my stressed-out hubby was having even greater than normal difficulties falling asleep and staying asleep, I encouraged him to read. To do something to calm his mind rather than just lie there fretting over his lack of sleep. I gave him a paperback copy of a book I’d recently read and loved, with secret hopes that he’d be magically converted into a book lover so we could have great conversations about what we’d read.
After about two weeks, I asked if he’d had a chance to begin the book. He said he had and that he was enjoying it. One day when I was placing something on his nightstand I saw the book. I picked it up to check how far along he had gotten so I could know how much of the book he’d read and would be able to discuss. Strange. There didn’t appear to be a bookmark. But he said he’d been reading …?
Oh no. Oh no. Oh, but yes. When the book fell open in my hand I could see that (gasp!) my beloved husband is … a “corner creaser”. Worse, he’s actually a PAGE FOLDER! AGH! Quelle horreur!
I was stunned. Numb. How could the man I love be a closet Book Mangler? (And even if you treat your OWN books in a cavalier manner… this was MY book!) Unfathomable. Just plain wrong. And who knew?? I mean, the man uses coasters when depositing drinks on wood tables. He actually irons his own clothing and starches his dress shirts. He makes up the bed every single day ---even on Saturdays. There is never a dirty dish in our sink because he washes it as soon as it touches the stainless steel. I am completely perplexed about this lack of couth regarding books. World rocked.
But don’t worry --- I still do love him. Really.
But it did get me to wondering about all the ways we humans are different and what things I do that may be anathema to him.
100% Human. 0% The Same:
Being a person of the “Northern European- descent, fish-belly white skin, blonde hair and blue eyes” persuasion, beach vacations and beach activities are not my cup of tea. Oh, I appreciate the fresh air and the sound of the waves and the colorful fish I can see when we go snorkeling --- but it comes with a big price. In order to participate in this type of endeavor, I must first slather chemically -enhanced ointments onto my skin. Goops that eventually will cover my eyelids with slime and make my eyes burn when I sweat. Goops which make my temperamental epidermis erupt in painful, unsightly blemishes. I then have to don my sun-protective clothing: long sleeved garments and gigantic hats. Voluminous garb that, no matter how winningly is marketed as “vented” and “wicking” is really just plain swelteringly hot. And I do not do heat. I REALLY do not do heat. It is Not Fun. Hence, I am Not Fun. I am, in fact, simply miserable. And frumpy. And it’s really difficult to maintain a pleasant attitude when one is that uncomfortable. I confess I sometimes (read: frequently) become whiny. It is obvious to all that I am distinctly unhappy. The sweaty, beet-red face is a major clue.
Imagine, then, that I live in Florida and every single recreational activity or vacation opportunity involves going to a beach. My family LOVES the beach, rents beachfront condos, goes on Caribbean cruises. My lack of enthusiasm and obvious difficulties with making it through one of these adventures has got to place a damper on vacation planning. I feel very embarrassed and unhappy that I am such a party pooper. They are aghast and dismayed and incredulous that I do not express delight when they all try to plan a holiday interlude. What is “wrong” with me? Well, I’m different.
But my husband still loves me. (Most of the time … I think. Except maybe not on the really whiny, pimply days.)
Why we should celebrate uniqueness:
So how does all this diversity work? Why do we have such varied cultures and likes/dislikes? Such differences? And how do we cope, with grace, when encountering someone who is “different”? I believe it’s called unconditional love. It involves the practice of patience, the development of humility and the exhibiting of mercy. All of which are characteristics of maturity and evidence of the “fruits of the Spirit” ---- demonstrated proof of the indwelling presence of God in our lives.
I mean, logically, we can all understand that if we all are exactly the same, most of us would be redundant. Therefore, it follows that God had a purpose in creating all of our wonderful diverse physiques, personalities, and preferences. Just think: there are billions of humans living on our planet and God thought YOU were necessary.
And God calls us to love one another. To love our neighbors as ourselves. To love even that guy that folds down pages in his wife’s book or that woman who can be intolerable when she’s overheated and sunburned. If we were all exactly the same it would be so easy to love each other. But since we all are NOT the same --- and sometimes we are glaringly and irritatingly different --- we must exercise wisdom and gentleness and empathy in order to demonstrate love to each other. To do so pleases God.
So not only must we tolerate differentness, we are called to love the different. To exhibit kindness to others as if we were offering them a drink of cold water on a hot day. You can find joy in knowing that you are extending your Father’s love even as you understand that you and that person seem to have nothing in common. So examine them and locate something about them that is special and celebrate it … even if it unlike anything you’ve ever come across. Take joy in their uniqueness, understanding that they, too, were created by a God that felt the world needed them in it.
How to Act on Differentness:
As I mentioned in my mother’s eulogy, she was always insistent that I welcome and befriend the new kid in class and that I make sure every child was included in group activities… even if a kid picked his nose or chewed with her mouth open.
Sometimes the differentness is not something gross or off-putting, sometimes it’s just differentness. Different cultures or different backgrounds. Like that woman in your office that tries to rescue feral cats and you’re more of a dog person. Or that man whose hobby is collecting stamps while you spend the weekend playing rugby. Maybe you’ve encountered the next-door neighbor’s kid who spends all his waking hours skateboarding or gaming. Or the teenage girl who likes wearing Goth makeup and ripped fishnet stockings. Perhaps these folk are NOTHING like you and you don’t know how to act around them and --- if you’re completely honest --- you really don’t want to interact with them anyway.
But sometimes we are the only Jesus that the world ever sees. And we can experience joy when we are obedient to His command to love others. When we learn to appreciate others’ otherness, we expand our own world and learn better how to extend God’s love. We come to better understand how God sees US. All the very different humans that He has breathed into existence. So be intentional about noticing others and exhibiting kindness to them. See them. Let them feel the love of Christ when you interact with them. Demonstrating God’s love involves service to others. Service does not always mean heroic acts of fulfilling others’ needs as in building houses for them with Habitat for Humanity and other worthy endeavors. Sometimes all it takes is a kind word, a friendly attitude, a smile that acknowledges that they are seen and appreciated. These interactions can open doors for you to learn something new about other people and the cultures they come from. Open doors that will allow you, in exchange, to demonstrate a life in tune with God’s spirit of love.
Remember those foods you, in your youth, steadfastly refused to try because they were “different”? And how many of them do you now love? (Escargot!!) That classical music you thought was boring, but now you yearn to hear? That’s proof that trying new things can bring joy. While visiting my aunt one day, I remember being mortified when my 5 year old loudly announced “Look, Mom! She has one of those Singing Bird Clocks** that you hate!” And --- you guessed it --- 25 years later I now love sitting on my patio early Saturday morning and listening to the birds singing in the trees.
I guess the point of this essay is to encourage us all to be open to differentness. And not just “open” but maybe even on the lookout for it. There is Joy to be found in trying new things, having new experiences, learning from persons with different cultures or avocations. Looking past someone’s differences can be an occasion to celebrate what God has created and to interact with someone who needs encouragement and the love of Jesus in their life. Don’t let differences rob you of this opportunity to learn and embrace something new. To find Joy.
Things to Consider:
[1] Can you think of a time where you may have missed out on something because of an aversion to differentness?
[2] How can you remind yourself to be open to opportunities to learn about and enjoy something or someone “different”?
*I would really love to identify as a “bookie”, a la a “Trekkie” or a “foodie”. But, alas, that moniker is not available for my intended meaning. Unfortunately, I am instead required to identify as a “bibliophile”. Which is decidedly un-cool and instead conjures up the image of a stodgy piece of office furniture adorned with scholarly tomes which contain titles like: Earthworms of Central Yorkshire, Diverse Topics in Ancient Babylonian Metallurgy, Political Symbolism in Modern Literature: Why are Hobbits’ feet extra-large and hairy?
** “As Seen on TV!” The 25th Anniversary version of the original clock can be secured for $29.95 on Amazon. In case you’re interested.