Three Things That Get in the Way of Joy... And What to do About it
My new (well, continuing) aspirational goal is to achieve serenity. If not actual serenity, at least a modicum of equanimity. You see, the stress of life seems to be ratcheting up and, more than ever, I feel compelled to resist being drawn into the angst that appears to be the theme of our culture’s current existence.
I have analyzed how attempts to experience joy often get thwarted and I arrived at three things that --- at least for me --- are the main culprits: Disorganization, the Need For Control, and IMPATIENCE.
Joy Thwarters:
[1] Disorganization may be the easiest of the three to finesse. I find that if I take a few minutes to collect my outfit for the next day I no longer have to race around the house in the morning looking for the one set of earrings that go perfectly with that shirt. If I review my recipes before I go to the grocery store, I can get through the evening’s cooking process without having a freak-out moment when I must figure out last-minute substitutions because I don’t have a particular ingredient. At work, I have divided all projects into separate steps and have the documents for each task arranged in specifically- labeled folders, physical and computerized. Knowing where each piece of information is supposed to be keeps the frenzy under control. These simple steps of organization lessen stress and promote an environment that is open to Joy.
[2] The Need for Control: I have to preach to myself about this one a lot. Most of us prefer that things get done in a certain way and, if they don’t get done in that particular way, irritation, aggravation, and agitation arise. (I know my blood pressure also rises, my face breaks out, and my innards decide to revolt.) Eruptions of these emotions and the ensuing physical manifestations can surely derail Joy. So let’s resolve to remember that We. Don’t. Have. To. Do. Everything.
People, if your family member loads the dishwasher or dish drainer differently than you… it’s okay. Let it go. In the great scheme of things, a fork or plate that did not get clean is simply not worth the anxiety (non-Joy emotion) that you will suffer. I once heard a story of a wife that would creep downstairs at 3:00 a.m. and reload the dishwasher that her helpful husband had filled. She would re-run the entire wash cycle because she was convinced that the dishes would not be adequately cleaned on account of his inferior method. Lost sleep + fretting about (low priority life chore) dishes = loss of Joy. Yet I understand completely.
I am thankful that my hubby and I are on the same page about installing toilet paper in the dispenser --- free end over the top --- but we do have a recurring argument about the proper way to make up the bed: top sheet pattern-side up vs. pattern-side down. I know I’m right because all the glamorous bedding advertisements depict the artfully unmade bed with the covers turned down in such a way that the pattern side is visible. But he steadfastly holds on to his erroneous opinion in the face of concrete evidence of his lack of interior décor savvy. I mean Macy’s does not do it his way!! … BUT, if he’s the one who is installing clean sheets on the bed -----WHY does it matter??? I’ve got to let it go and be happy I did not have to wrestle the fitted sheet into submission. I have clean sheets! And I can do it my (correct) way the next time.
[3] Impatience: Ah, the big one. I am convinced that bringing about everyday, niggling little irritations is the most potent weapon in the devil’s arsenal. He does not need to do anything spectacular, because spectacular things are obvious and obvious things might as well come with a bullhorn that announces “Attention, Attention, you are under attack by the enemy.” Not stealthy enough. No, the enemy has figured out that all he needs to do is pick at you all day long. Goad you into a general feeling of dissatisfaction and irritation. Enough little annoyances coming your way and you will feel prickly and cranky all day. Grumpiness = no Joy.
As I ruminated on this topic, I discovered how the daily bombardment of aggravating things activates my impatience. Impatience that turns everyday tasks into frustration and makes me exasperated with just about my entire day. It’s like walking with a pebble in your shoe, or having a piece of lint in your eye.
And most of the things I get impatient with are just plain silly.
Are you old enough to remember a dial-up Internet connection? You could vacuum the entire house in the time that it took to request information from the web. Yet now we fuss when our Amazon page takes more than 15 seconds to load. We complain and fret about traffic jams and the length of time it takes our barista to craft our 10-ingredient-special-instructions coffee concoction. We hate being in the long queue at the grocery store or having to use self -checkout. (Yes, Wal-Mart, I’m talking to you.) We wait our turn at the dentist’s or doctor’s office and fret about the time it’s taking to be seen. We gripe. We fume. We detest being placed on hold when on the telephone with customer service. We positively simmer with anger at the time we waste waiting for a certain family member to get ready to go somewhere. When we run late, we bristle with negative feelings as we worry about whether we’ll find a parking space and how much of the event we’ve missed.
Sometimes it’s as if the entire day is a succession of aggravating moments. All of our waking moments infected by joy-squashing, delaying events.
So, what to do? I credit my husband for a piece of hard-earned wisdom. He was faced with career disaster which was caused by politically-motivated actions of others --- all outside his control --- and the prospect of having to re-do much of what he’d been working on for several years. He faced a quandary: give up/move on and lose the intended result vs. do it all over again and keep pressing toward the prize at the end. In his exhaustion, dismay, and heartache he sought God’s help and reasoned his way through his options. What he saw was this: “The next two years are going to pass whether I do anything or not. So in two years I can achieve the goal I’ve been working on… or in two years I will be two years older with wasted time and no prize. I choose the do over.” The two years passed and my husband did, in fact, achieve his intended goal.
This wisdom can be helpful in dealing with our impatience and anxiety. God has blessed us with our day. We can choose how we interpret each circumstance that comes our way. We can choose how we spend our minutes. We can keep our impatient attitude and suffer the feelings of aggravation and have a joyless day. Or, we can choose to turn the situation around and use the time to do joy-promoting things. The minutes will pass regardless of what we do. Choose wisely.
Three Facebook memes caught my attention when thinking about this topic:
William James: “The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.”
Zig Ziglar: “If you are always racing to the next moment, what happens to the one you’re in?”
Toby Mac: “If it costs you your peace, it is too expensive.”
I have resolved to quit spending so much of my precious time being angry and agitated by impatience. I need to count those minutes of my day when I’m delayed as moments I can use to think about pleasant things, plan fun events, enjoy nature, dream a little, be thankful, etc.
Moral of the story: I need to stop racing through the moments and stop and have joy in the moment I’m in. If there’s a thought that brings me anxiety and impatience, I can reject it and choose a different thought that makes me grateful. I can hit “pause” and think of something nicer. I can reject negative thoughts and I can Choose Joy.
Things to think about:
[1] What steps can you take to be a bit more organized?
[2] Are there certain things you can allow yourself to relinquish control over?
[3] Can you practice choosing thoughts that promote patience and joy instead of impatience and stress?