The Joy of Adoption
Adoption is a process whereby a person assumes the parenting of another, usually a child, from that person's biological or legal parent or parents. Legal adoptions permanently transfer all rights and responsibilities, along with filiation, from the biological parents to the adoptive parents.
My reason for sharing about adoption is not just to delight in my family, but to delight in God’s family and how He created our brains with the ability to bond securely with one another and, ultimately, with Him. The joy these secure family bonds brings to our lives is worth talking about.
Here is a little of how adoption brought joy to me and my family:
In 1967 I was married and the process of forming a family began.
In 1968 my younger brother, a high school student, entered our new family.
Then these children followed:
In 1970 a boy 6 weeks old, in 1971 a girl 5 weeks old, in 1974 a boy 6 months old.
And in 1978 two sisters aged 9 and 12 years completed our family.
The awesome privilege at each new arrival was to look in that child’s eyes and say, “I’m so glad to be with you. Welcome to our family.” That ‘glad to be with you’ experience is how joy is formed in our brain.* And that, by the way, is a right-hemisphere experience.
Because we now have 11 grandchildren and 10 great-grandchildren, the experiences and stories I could share would fill a book. I have gained many insights into the dynamics of families. And after all these years I believe this to be true: the bonds in families formed by adoption become just like all other families … with happy times, sad times, celebrations and challenges that must be dealt with. I have concluded that, in the end, biology means less than love bonds in relationships.
And adoption is not just about my family, it’s also about God’s family.
Yet to all who did receive Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God, children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God. (John 1:12-13)
Yes, that lineage beats mine hands down. The Bible says further:
So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when He adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” (Romans 8:15 NLT)
That bond with Father God can be as strong and secure as we choose to make it.
The journey of living like a joyful family with God as our Father can be a challenge sometimes … but it’s so worth it. The Bible is full of assurances that God is “glad to be with us” and welcomes us to His family. Joy comes from the security this attachment brings to us. We are wanted. We are loved.
Brain Science*
God designed our brain to actually thrive on the joy we experience as we securely bond (attach) with others. The actual place in our brain where attachments are made is in the deepest part of the right hemisphere. Secure attachment produces a feeling of belonging. Belonging is our deepest emotional need. It also produces our greatest joy (not to be confused with happiness which is related to our circumstances). This relational joy is produced when our brain receives facial signals, like when eyes and smiles connect. Without this relational joy, we will very likely be motivated by fear. If we don’t experience belonging in our family, out of fear of abandonment we are likely to either grasp too tightly in relationships or dismiss them and our need for them. This attachment theory has been studied by many neuroscientists and psychologists. This study and research has given us very reliable and valuable insight into how to form secure attachments. These connections that are formed in love and joy are the opposite of bonds formed in fear and insecurity. Here is a brief description of attachment styles and how they may affect your life and relationships:
Secure Attachment: Our attachment lights goes on and off together. (This is our desired state.)
We are designed to be completely fulfilled only in joyful, secure relationships with God and each other. I have high joy capacity when I have inner confidence to engage with the world and fulfill my purpose and destiny. When my attachments are secure, my life is powered by joy.
The next three are insecure attachment styles and often result in discomfort and even pain.
Dismissive Attachment: My attachment light is off.
My parents/caregivers were rarely emotionally available and my needs, wants, preferences and dreams were dismissed or minimized. When this happens, I may appear uncaring and unavailable; dismissing the importance of emotions and relationships. Life is safer and feels better alone and undisturbed.
Distracted Attachment: My attachment light is on and caregivers are often not available. My parent/caregiver sent mixed signals about attachment. Our interactions were based on my parent’s needs, not mine and were often intrusive. As a result I am highly needy, dependent and anxious, focusing on receiving comfort for my distress. I have frequent highly emotional displays with one crisis after another.
Disorganized Attachment: My attachment light is on and off.
Relationships are difficult for me as I can be hostile, controlling, and aggressive. I want to attach but at the same time I am terrified. My unregulated emotions may be followed by withdrawal to protect myself from pain.
Your family may be connected by biology, or just connected by that wonderful reality that your heart opened up and invited another into your circle. In either case, the journey of growing in secure attachment with others and God produces a more joy-filled life.
Action Steps
What can we do to grow in more secure attachment with God and others?
Be intentional with your eyes by looking at others directly with a smile and voice tones that communicate, “I’m so glad to be with you.”
Tell stories that focus on specific reasons you appreciate another person. (Feel your joy increase.)
Meditate on the truth that God is glad to be with you-all the time.
*www.lifemodel.org; www.thrivetoday.org; www.deeperwalkinternational.org