The 5 Stages of Emotional Maturity and Its Connection to Joy
I have struggled my whole life identifying, recognizing, and acknowledging my immaturity. When we look at maturity we tend to think only of our physical or mental progress, and while they are important, I feel our emotional maturity impacts our well-being, and personal relationships far more than the physical or the mental.
For example, I can reside in a body that is adult in size and function, and even think in a manner that resembles a functioning adult with the ability to reason and to understand abstract thinking. I can have positive character traits such as being hard-working, efficient, and persevering. But if my emotional maturity does not line up to that of an adult, then I am simply a child in an adult body --- with childlike behaviors, reactions, and a limited, childish ability to cope and deal with others and with life. How disadvantageous, frustrating, and disheartening is that?
When I looked at others and saw how easily they seemed to cope with life and their relationships, I had to wonder … what was different in my life? Where did I go wrong? What was I missing? When was I supposed to have learned these things? Who was responsible? More importantly, how was I going to achieve this maturity, and where do I go from there?
In my opinion, we humans were created with the capacity to grow physically, mature emotionally, expand our mental capabilities, renew our determinations, adapt readily to changes, heal, and fill the God- void in our spirits. With all these resources and potential at hand, why did I struggle so with my emotional maturity?
My journey with understanding my emotional immaturity began as I realized my emotions did not align themselves with what I was thinking or what I believed. My emotions manifested as reactions instead of thoughtful responses. I began to identify that I was incapable of authentic emotional self-expression --- of asking for what I needed, of taking good care of myself, of allowing people to understand me, of knowing what makes me happy or satisfies me, of staying my true self with everyone, and of permitting myself to be loved without me giving first. I was a hot mess and I just didn’t realize the enormity of it at first, But isn’t that always the case?
The recognition of my lack in these areas and how that deficiency impacted my relationships ---especially with myself --- led me to acknowledge that even though I was lacking in basic life skills that should have been demonstrated in my family of origin and community, and though I had suffered early traumas which affected my emotional maturity, … it was I, myself, who had the ultimate responsibility for my growth in maturity.
In exploring basic questions such as what was different in my life, I began to recollect stories about my early life and how these situations could have affected my emotional growth. I began to observe how I had reacted to the stresses of life and saw that some of my actions resembled an infant or a toddler in nature. For example, in many cases, I was unable to speak up for myself or to make my needs known --- just like a non-verbal infant would be unable to do. I would “throw a fit” if I didn’t get what I thought I needed by withdrawing and sulking, …even though I had not communicated that need to anyone because I was expecting them to read my mind and know my needs just like a child expects.
So where did I go wrong? I did not! When I was able to comprehend and accept that I didn’t go “wrong”, only then was I able to surrender the shame and guilt of thinking that I was somehow responsible for how I was brought up or treated by others. My questions now had answers:
(1) What did I miss? I missed learning some essential life skills or having them demonstrated by others to me.
(2) When was it supposed to happen for me? In every stage of my life from infanthood through childhood and even to adulthood.
(3) Who is responsible? I was not able to teach myself as a child, and therefore was not responsible for my lack of training or the effects of the traumas in my life… but now I am responsible as an adult. It is totally within my power to reparent myself, to learn these much-needed skills, or to find someone who can help me.
(4) How was I going to achieve this? In my case, the need to have my needs met without asking as an infant was intermittent due to parental separations during hospitalizations at the infant stage, thus I was not adept at how to receive. This caused me to be withdrawn and feel unattached, which further hindered my ability to communicate my needs to others. In reaction to this, and born from my woundedness and lack in this area, I realized I had tried to make sure no one in my life ever had to ask for anything, (including infants to adults), because I would anticipate them before they ever had to. I did not want anyone to feel the pain that I felt when I was a baby with unmet needs. When hearing a flight attendant in an airplane caution us to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first, and then put them on our children, I was horrified! It would never have occurred to me that I would have to take care of myself first.
(5) What did I do to free myself from this perverted way of life? I acknowledged that this was a skill that I was not trained in and that it was up to me to unlearn my maladaptive ways and adopt better ways to take care of myself. I needed to make myself a priority or, in my case, even factor myself into the equation. I started my maturation journey by first recognizing my feelings through a Feelings Wheel…
Feelings Wheel
…then acknowledging or owning them, and finally learning to put actual words to my feelings so that I would be able to communicate what I was feeling to myself and others. According to Life Model Works, there are Five Life Stages of Maturity[2] with each stage having its own primary goal for that stage:
The INFANT -- receive without having to give (be cared for)
The CHILD -- learn to take care of oneself
The ADULT -- care for two or more at the same time
The PARENT -- give life to children without requiring anything in return
The ELDER -- care for your community and guide those without families of their own
I feel that I am learning the Infant and the Child stages in this area, but I am hopeful that I can quickly progress to a maturity that matches my age. For a full view of Maturity Indicators, see this resource: http://cornerstone.ag/pdf/PDFElijahHouse/lifemodel2.pdf
(6) Where do I go from here? I will continue to identify, acknowledge, and recognize deficiencies in my maturity while working at achieving some progression in the different stages/abilities that I have missed in learning as an infant or child. I will do what I can, but I will ask for help in the areas where I need family, friends, or a community to show me and develop what maturity looks like. I will continue to realize that this is a lifetime journey for me, and in doing so, will help me to understand and accept my emotional maturity is a gift that I will always be giving myself.
Something to think about: Are there areas in your life where you perceive emotional immaturity? What are some ways you can begin to take steps to recognize your feelings and have better communication with others?
[1] Workbook Resource - The Feelings Wheel. (n.d.). Retrieved June 29, 2020, from https://www.ahaparenting.com/FeelingsWheel
[2] Life Model Maturity. (n.d.). Retrieved June 29, 2020, from http://www.lifemodel.org/topic.php?rn=1